A Politically Correct, Court Mandated Bad End
by Mini Nephthys
Summary: Because really, someone had to have been in that hallway. UBW route, days eight and nine.


**Author's Notes: **So apparently I was lying about the 'no more UBW-timeline fics'. I blame Shirou's obliviousness, personally. Uh, I think I treat the subject about as respectfully as the game treated it, which wasn't very much, really.

* * *

Kuzuki strode purposefully through the halls towards the student council room. Students who had left lunch early duly got out of his way, and he was about to knock on the door when he heard a voice from inside.

"W-whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!"

A very loud, panicked voice, coming from one Ryudo Issei.

"I told you to take your uniform off. Take your shirt off as well. It's not any good unless you're naked."

Answering him, the unnaturally calm voice of one Emiya Shirou.

Kuzuki pulled his hand away from the door and considered. Which school rules was this breaking?

"-W-w-w-w-w-what are you asking for!? Are you insane!? Is it a new way to question me!? No, do I have to do this now!?"

Was it the rule of always being in your uniform?

"Yup, this is urgent. Just take off your top. It'll be too late once school ends!"

No, that would normally punish the one whose uniform was missing. There wasn't a rule about being stripped by another student, which was a grave oversight and should be corrected as soon as possible.

The sound of two bodies crashing to the floor. "Whoa-! Stop it, you fool! Are you really from a family of warriors!?"

Kuzuki turned on his heel and left. He would have to consult the rulebook about this.

* * *

"Hm. I see. Sorry to take your time. I think you know without having it said, but do not forget to lock this place up. And make sure to leave school on time."

"Yes, yes. I know."

The teacher turned to leave, but instead glanced over at Shirou, and then turned back to Issei.

"Ryudo. The school system is unable to take action against your attacker until you formally report the sexual assault."

Issei looked like he didn't know whether to turn white or red, and so decided on a bright shade of pink. He stammered incomprehensibly.

Shirou, on the other hand, gaped openly and swiveled his gaze towards Issei. "You were attacked, Issei!?"

Both Kuzuki and Issei regarded Shirou with an expression that was usually reserved for foreigners who asked, 'So Japan and China are, like, the same thing, right?'

After a long pause, Kuzuki said, "He was assaulted yesterday during lunch period."

"That can't be right. I was in here the whole time, I would've noticed…" Shirou trailed off after seeing the two's incredulous stares. After an even longer pause, he asked, "Um, are you talking about me?"

Issei flushed deeper and looked away, but Kuzuki nodded silently, not taking his steely gaze off of the supposed attacker.

"…But we're both guys," Shirou pointed out in a tiny voice.

"There are increasingly many homosexual predators in our school system," Kuzuki informed him calmly. Shirou blanched.

"…K-Kuzuki-sensei," Issei said, speaking up for the first time, "he didn't actually do anything to me…"

"An incident does not require penetration to be considered assault," Kuzuki told him. "Many crimes are included in the 'assault' label, one of which is forcible stripping of another person."

"But… but…"

"Ryudo." In the closest thing to a reassuring tone he could muster, Kuzuki continued, "Remember that it is always the attacker who is to blame, not the victim. The other students have to be protected, and that can only happen if you report him."

"…Hey, Issei. You don't really think I would… h-hey, why are you nodding!?"

* * *

"Um, Tohsaka…"

Rin looked up and frowned at Shirou's embarrassed expression. "What?"

"I… I'm being expelled from school."

Her eyes widened and she blinked dumbly at him. "…What?"

"Remember when I told you that I took off Issei's clothes to check for his Command Spell?" Without waiting for her reply, he continued, "It turns out that that's s… assault. I really should be in jail right now, but Issei pleaded for it not to get reported to the poli… what's with that expression?"

"…you mean you didn't know before today that stripping someone was assault?"

* * *

"Emiya is an idiot," Rin announced as she walked through the door of her house.

Archer appeared at her side instantly. "I'm glad you-"

"He's an incredible idiot," she continued, ignoring his interruption. "He is so idiotic that words cannot describe his idiocy. If you looked up 'idiot' in the dictionary, Emiya's picture would be next to it."

"…I'm glad-"

"If Beavis and Ash," she continued, "had a baby, and that baby was dropped on his head as a child, that baby would be Emiya."

After waiting long enough to be sure that she was finished, Archer started again. "I'm glad you realized this, Rin. Does this mean we're breaking our alliance with him?"

"…I'm not sure," she admitted. "I can't be seen in public with him anymore… but he didn't mean to get in this much trouble… but he had to be a complete idiot not to realize that that _would_ get him in this much trouble…"

Archer frowned. "What happened?"

Rin sighed. "He was expelled from school."

"What for?"

"Sexually assaulting the student council president. …A-Are you all right, Archer!? That's the first time I've seen someone choke on air before…"

* * *

An awkward silence filled the dojo.

Clearing her throat, Taiga began, "Welcome to Tiger Dojo, where Shirou is unexpectedly greeted with bad ends after every slight mistake!"

Ilya tilted her head to the side. "I don't get it. Why is this a bad end, if Shirou's still alive and well?"

"Because now that he's expelled from school, he can't find out who Caster's Master is," Taiga explained. "Even if he's alive at the moment, it's meaningless if Caster can't be stopped! …Besides, he'll lose his job if he has a label like 'assaulter'." She nodded sagely. "Yes, this bad end is here to teach Shirou to be more considerate of other people's rights. It's good to find out if someone is a Master, but you can't go attacking them out of nowhere."

"Really? I thought this bad end was included because of the lawsuits-"

The shinai came smashing down.

As Ilya nursed her wound, Taiga continued, "A-And, a word from some people who definitely aren't threatening to sue us… If anyone does to you what Shirou did to Ryudo-kun, tell an authority figure! Even though Shirou had a good reason for it, whoever did that to you is just a creep and should be in jail."

"Oww… my head…"

"That's the end of this Tiger Dojo! Go back and find a better method of interrogating Ryudo-kun!"


End file.
